Why I Whole30: Emotional Stability

This post was alternately titled "The Great Taco Bell Fiasco!" I wrote it in the heat of the moment instead of getting into a fight with my husband, which actually later occurred... over fricking Taco Bell, you guys. These kinds of situations would happen frequently to me, and it would always leave me with the feeling that I needed to run to a shrink and get on some kinds of meds because I was clearly unstable. God bless my poor husband for putting up with this kind of insanity for so many years! I sat on this post thinking about whether I should post it or not. When you post something on the internet it's there for the world to see, and we all know we've seen women portrayed as crazy when they are in the throws of a meltdown. I've come to the vulnerable conclusion that if this post helps one person not feel all alone; not feel like they're going crazy; not feel like something is drastically wrong with them, then it will do some good, and so I am boldly putting it out there. I present to you: The Great Taco Bell Fiasco:

Today was a dumpster fire of a day

You guys. There is no way to do justice to what I am feeling right now. It's honestly an off the rails feeling and Whole30 helps me with it so much. It's not irrational anger, but honestly feels like being crazy because of a hormone imbalance. That's the only way I know how to describe it.

So I might not be allergic to gluten, or wheat, or soy, or dairy, or sugar- but it affects people and it affects me in such a negative way, and I need to get clean from it seriously once and for all.

An incident occurs, I react CRAZY, and yet I can't stop the reaction. I can't stop the irrational insurmountable hurt I am feeling, or the words coming out of my mouth, and I am so infuriated over what is going on right now that I want to cry and yet at the same time I want to yell about why the order was wrong, and why didn't you check, and when they read you back your order before you paid how did you not know it was wrong? I want to cry tears of rage and hurt and anger. It's like an out of body experience where I am watching the insanity go down, but there's nothing I can do to stop it.

So here's what happened.

There are legit tears streaming down my face. Over a fucking mexi melt. Get the fuck outta here.

We are day zero for our fifth round of Whole30. To say I fell off HARD since round 4 would be an understatement. It started slowly, and the next thing you know I was waking up so stiff with aching joints and in such pain and suffering shortness of breath, and putting on the pounds. So we decided we were going to commit to Whole30 like it was our very first round. I was prepared for it as if I had never done it before. I came up with the meal plan and we went to the grocery store and bought all of this amazing compliant food. I ordered dressings online and had my pantry set with only compliant things.

Sunday would be our last day for chub-squad. We would have one last indulgence before we got down to business. Gene wanted Arby's, so even though I wasn't really feeling like Arby's, I went with him for lunch. I wanted one last order from Taco Bell: a taco salad, no beans, and two mexi melts. Easy enough order. No bells and whistles. I even wrote the fucking order down so Gene would have no reason to not get it right.

I stayed at home with the dogs and Gene ran to Taco Bell to get the order.

He came home with all of these boxes in bags and opened one up and said "what the heck is this? My taco?" I looked at the receipt and said "what did you order? Oh, you got tostadas? Those are your tostadas!"

He had in fact not ordered tostadas. Yet, there they were, on his receipt, and my mexi melts were nowhere in sight. How does this even happen. How do you place an order and when they read it back to you with something YOU DIDN'T ORDER ON THERE you just hand over cash and walk away? And then when you are handed a bag full of boxes, when the food you ordered shouldn't be in boxes, you just walk away without questioning it or consulting your receipt? And when you get home and realize you made an error in all of this, you don't offer to go back out and get what you were supposed to get?

AND I GET IT. IT'S JUST FUCKING TACO BELL. But in my mind, at this very moment, it's so much more than Taco Bell. It's a husband who doesn't care about his wife. It's a husband who sure got to eat what he wanted for lunch and dinner while his wife sure didn't. It's resentment and hurt and hate and a glass case of emotions that I know I wouldn't be dealing with if I was hormonally and emotionally stable.

This is one of the many reasons why I Whole30. I ended up having an argument with my husband, a super irrational argument over why he didn't go back out, why he ate his dinner when I couldn't, why he didn't care enough about details of things like this. It was a dumpster fire, you guys, and possibly the biggest motivation for me to stick to and kick ass at my next Whole30 (or Whole60 or Whole90... I haven't decided yet!)